Religion And Narcissism

There is vast amount of Narcissism/Sociopath activity within Religious Organsiations, I know personally of so many people that have suffered in the name of Religion, many that have been Spiritually Abused by Narcissistic Parents, Husbands and Wives  outwardly appearing Christian but interpereting what is taught at their will to serve the malicious abuse on their Spouses, of Clergy and Ministers of Churches, the numbers are really phenomenal.  The Narcissist/Sociopath particularly gravitates towards these kinds of institutions, they provide the perfect ‘cover’ to hide who they truly are underneath and the prey is easy, most of whom, in God’s name are very forgiving empaths with no personal boundaries.

I too had personal experience of this phenomenon with the n/s that I married, he wasn’t at all Christian throughout the marriage abusing the fact that I was, provoking and belittling anything I believed in.  When we split I became the Devil itself and he became a ‘respected’ Christian, citing scriptures to manipulate and instill guilt in myself and my children, he demanded  my ‘repentance’, that I ‘obey’ as a Christian wife should, and much more.  I was slandered so horrendously in the community, I was the adulteress, he had found the most shaming for a married woman in the church ‘sin’ that he could falsely accuse me of, in reality he was projecting himself.  At times he even talked as God himself, only he had permission forgive sins, I was destined for a horrendous end in hell which he would describe in every detail.

Others in my area attached to other Churches were of the same breed, using it as a Public facade but in private acting abusively as Narcissist Sociopaths do,   Sadly the Priest that I had known for years and that had married me turned out to be the same, the mask finally fell a little while after joining Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme.   If I am honest I had been on the receiving end of some outbursts of what I now know to be Narcissistic Injury, the arrogance and self-importance had shown through from time to time, the underhand remarks about how others had slighted him, the sudden outbursts of anger not knowing what I had done, things hadn’t matched up – but who was I to question his authority, I just forgave him for his, as I presumed, ‘human’ qualities showing through from time to time.  I lost the Godparents to my children too for the same reason.

Having been at Sunday School since the age of 4 I had been perfect fodder for my non-religious Narcissistic mother, she had ensured that I had no personal boundaries, as had the teachings.  Sunday School did not teach boundaries, they presumed that we all had parents that would ensure our balanced upbringing, they hadn’t considered that many of the children that were under their wing were being abused at home by the very things that they were taught.  Love everyone regardless of what they do, forgive everyone regardless of what they do to you, Honour your mother and father and so on and so on.  The guilt would gnaw away if I had a disrespectful thought for my parents, suffering just as Jesus suffered was a virtue – it was to be endured, I must have been very bad and it was God’s way of punishing me.

Religious organisations have been slow to recognise this problem, very often husbands and wives are advised in the name of God to work things out, to forgive, even though many spouses have been living under the horrifying abuse, which continues despite the mediation for the ‘saving’ of their marriage.  Narcissist/Sociopath spouses are forced to ‘endure’ further abuse, they are then triangulated by the Religious Adviser, and slandered in the community without their knowledge. Shunned, shamed, and blamed.  Divorce is not an option in some Religious organisations, the women or men involved with the Narcissist/Sociopath have no exit, the guilt and the shame they are made to carry should they decide to separate from the abusing spouse is immeasurable.  Most clerics have no knowledge of Sociopaths, it took me personally years to understand what was happening to me and who I had opposite me, how are they supposed to understand when the n/s puts on his/her politest charm whilst in their presence, they feign humility, tears of remorse, they feign piety

I too believed that marriage was forever, I didn’t realise that being in an abusive relationship was cause for Divorce, I tried to make it right over and over again believing in the ‘sanctity of marriage’, in truth I had sold my own Soul, it was extremely difficult being Christian at times when I had been provoked into a reaction with the most henous of accusations and comments about myself and my family, my friends, in fact anything that was attached to my being and my Soul, or Holy. Sexual abuse is particularly rampant in Christian/Narcissist-Sociopath relationships.

Many abused by the Sociopath end up losing everything, including their faith and the community that came with that faith. It is difficult if I occasionally go to church these days for the words of the Narcissist are repeated back at me from the Service or the pulpit, I try to overcome it by ascending to a higher level than mere words but it is not always easy. Spirituality and Love have now taken for the best part the part of Church, a place that for the time being the Sociopath has not managed to infiltrate and pollute.  It is a place I feel the most exhilarating connection with God, I feel love, I feel safety, I learnt to love me too as God wants me too, there is no place for contamination, no place for a third person to intervene, it is between Him (I say Him for a lack of a better word) and I, a continual evolving relationship based on trust.

Awareness is the only way that these things will change, I let go and let God along with all of the thousands of others that have found themselves in similar situations.  Learn to recognise the traits and behaviours, learn to recognise your gut instinct when it tells you something is not quite right.  Listen to the truth within your Inner Being, truth does not lie in what your ears and eyes tell you, try to recognise and believe the ‘true’ victims, the gratitude for them will be immense for having a human being they can believe and trust in, and for having a human being that can validate and support them through the ‘incomprehensible’ ordeal that they are going through.  A religious person finds it incredibly difficult to believe that these unconscious people full of darkness exist, but they do, in great numbers!


Press the link below to hear this amazing woman’s talk on Narcissist/Sociopath and Christian teamed together, her book comes out in 2016.  For those that do not have much understanding Shannon Thomas really sheds the light!






Click here for free information on Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Programme:…/Narcissistic-Abuse-Re…/91342

This is a really good article that Melanie wrote with regard to Spirituality and Religion

guilt trips narcissistic mother gail meyers quote

honor thy narcissistic mother quote by gail meyers

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents

Characteristics of the Parenting Styles in a Narcissistic Family

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman

_____ I was not allowed to have feeling that might upset my parents.

_____ As a child, I had to meet the emotional needs of the parents.

_____ I learned early on that my needs weren’t valued so stopped trying to get them met.

_____ I felt that I had to act in ways that pleased my parent(s) to avoid being abandoned.

_____ Our family had to look good to outsiders, so I was required to keep the family secrets.

_____ At times my parent’s need to look good to others did help me get some positive attention.

_____ I was expected to read my parent(s) mind and give what they wanted without their asking.

_____ If I tried to set limits and boundaries, they were overrun by my parent(s.)

_____ I was not allowed to make mistakes or change my mind.

_____The less emotional support I got from my parent(s), the more fearful I was that I’d lose it.

_____ I learned to be super responsible to please my parent(s.)

_____ The rule in my family was that parent(s) got to do selfish things because it was their right.

_____ I have had life-long problems making and keeping intimate relationships.

_____ In relationships, I worry about the other person finding out how defective I am.

_____I have an overwhelming need for external (outside of myself) validation.

_____ I learned to achieve early on to bring glory to my family OR Even though I did well in school, my parent(s) ignored my achievements.

_____ I became fragmented trying to figure out what my parent(s) wanted from me.

_____ It was dangerous for me to recognize and express my own power as a child.

_____ I had no inherent value other that what I could do for my parent(s.)

_____ My parent(s) became hurt or angry when criticized so I learned not to rock the boat.

_____ I had to give up my own sense of self to survive in my family.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents

From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

Turns every conversation to him or herself.
Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs
Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you
Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you
Focus on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior
Expect you to jump at his every need
Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs
Has high need for attention:
Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous
Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off
Becomes angry when his needs are not met and tantrums or intimidates
Has an attitude of “Anything you can do, I can do better”
Engages in one-upmanship to seem important
Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming
Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him
Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best”
Seeks status. Spends money to impress others
Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today
Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration
Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants
Does not obey the law–sees himself above the law
Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines
Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings
Tells you how you should feel or not feel
Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions
Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours
Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own
Wants to control what you do and say–tries to micromanage you
Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own
Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you
Has shallow emotions and interests
Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants
May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children
Secure Parents

Meet the emotional and physical needs of the children
Have healthy boundaries and can be assertive in stating them
Respect children’s boundaries and rights to be safe
Resist intrusion and mind games by others
Have strong, positive values and priorities for family
Allow children to express their feelings
Use appropriate self disclosure
Have the ability to develop intimacy and happy relationships

Healing And Thriving From Narcissistic Abuse's photo.

Healing Fom Childhood Narcissitic Wounding and Codependency And Ceasing To Be A Narcissistic Magnet

I have had the privilege of turning my life around with Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Recovery Programme, it was there I discovered, having joined because of my near complete destruction from a Sociopath/Narc husband and his family that I had in fact grown up in one, my mother was a Narcissist, my sister and my subsequent Step-mother too.  My father was the typical dysfunction codependent.  I had continued oblivious in life as to how many Narcissists I had attracted throughout it, Bosses, Social Services Workers, Car Mechanics, Neighbours, Friends that had been there to ‘help’ suddenly revealed their true nature, I was a classic Narc magnet! The word Narc resonates with me far more than the word Narcissist because it reminds me of  Narcs in a Minefield, this quite aptly describes my path through life!

My awareness grew tremendously with Melanie’s programme, it was there that I learnt about how my codepedent self had been the source of attraction for these Narcs, the Narc, operating like a radar, in possession of an extraordinary sixth sense much like a psychic vampire had homed in on the whole package of my childhood wounding, the thoughts and beliefs, (mostly false), that I had about myself and my empathic nature.

I had been ‘divinely’ guided to this particular programme, it saved my life, not just physically but on every level, something had spoken to me, and I plunged in to a journey of self-discovery, it was there that I discovered that our bodies contain and store every emotional wounding that we have ever felt.

I have many favourite codependent experts and writers from Ross Rosenberg, to Beattie, to Robert Burney, each have their own style and presentation of codependency,  all connected by the basic foundations of codependency.  On this occasion I choose to present an article from Robert Burney’s site where on this occasion he talks about the pain within our body as an indication of some unhealed emotional wound, I had known about psychosomatic illnesses from my training as a Professional Aromatherapist but this took it one step further, Melanie too works along these same principles.

The extraordinary, miraculous success and changes that I have made within myself and outside myself using these methods prompted me to post both Melanie’s and Robert’s articles and ask each one of you:  How many of us having come through Narcissistic Abuse can actually feel?  How many of us dare to feel? How many of us are just completely and emotionally numb?  How many of us have completely separated off from what we truly feel, smile and say I’m fine, everything is fine, we know we are not, but the easiest way we reckon is just to stuff whatever we feel deep down somewhere inside of us and remain in total and utter denial?

Feeling the Feelings 

by Robert  Burney MA

“Attempting to suppress emotions is dysfunctional; it does not work.  Emotions are energy:  E-motion = energy in motion.  It is supposed to be in motion, it was meant to flow. Emotions have a purpose, a very good reason to be – even those emotions that feel uncomfortable.  Fear is a warning, anger is for protection, tears are for cleansing and releasing.  These are not negative emotional responses!  We were taught to react negatively to them.  It is our reaction that is dysfunctional and negative, not the emotion.”

“The way to stop reacting out of our inner children is to release the stored emotional energy from our childhoods by doing the grief work that will heal our wounds.  The only effective, long term way to clear our emotional process – to clear the inner channel to Truth which exists in all of us – is to grieve the wounds which we suffered as children.  The most important single tool, the tool which is vital to changing behavior patterns and attitudes in this healing transformation, is the grief process.  The process of grieving.

We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago.  We have this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional.”

(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)Emotions are energy that is manifested in our bodies.  They exist below the neck.  They are not thoughts (although attitudes set up our emotional reactions.)  In order to do the emotional healing it is vital to start paying attention to where energy is manifesting in our bodies.  Where is there tension, tightness?  Could that “indigestion” really be some feelings?  Are those “butterflies” in my stomach telling me something emotionally?

When I am working with someone and they start having some feelings coming up, the first thing I have to tell them is to keep breathing.  Most of us have learned a variety of ways to control our emotions and one of them is to stop breathing and close our throats.  That is because grief in the form of sadness accumulates in our upper chest and breathing into it helps some of it to escape – so we learned to stop breathing at those moments when we start getting emotional, when our voice starts breaking.

Western civilization has for many years been way out of balance towards the left brain way of thinking – concrete, rational, what you see is all there is (this was in reaction to earlier times of being out of balance the other way, towards superstition and ignorance.)  Because emotional energy can not be seen or measured or weighed (“The x-ray shows you’ve got 5 pounds of grief in there.”) emotions were discounted and devalued.  This has started to change somewhat in recent years but most of us grew up in a society that taught us that being too emotional was a bad thing that we should avoid.  (Certain cultures / subcultures give more permission for emotions but those are usually out of balance to the other extreme of allowing the emotions to rule – the goal is balance: between mental and emotional, between intuitive and rational.)

Emotions are a vital part of our being for several reasons. 

1. Because it is energy and energy cannot just disappear.  The emotional energy generated by the circumstances of our childhood and early life does not go away just because we were forced to deny it.  It is still trapped in our body – in a pressurized, explosive state, as a result of being suppressed.  If we don’t learn how to release it in a healthy way it will explode outward or implode back in on us.  Eventually it will transform into some other form – such as cancer. 2.  As long as we have pockets of pressurized emotional energy that we have to avoid dealing with – those emotional wounds will run our lives.  We use food, cigarettes, alcohol and drugs, work, religion, exercise, meditation, television, etc., to help us keep suppressing that energy.  To help us keep ourselves focused on something else, anything else, besides the emotional wounds that terrify us.  The emotional wounds are what cause obsession and compulsion, are what the “critical parent” voice works so hard to keep us from dealing with.

3.  Our emotions tell us who we are – our Soul communicates with us through emotional energy vibrations.  Truth is an emotional energy vibrational communication from our Soul on the Spiritual Plane to our being/spirit/soul on this physical plane – it is something that we feel in our heart/our gut, something that resonates within us. 

Our problem has been that because of our unhealed childhood wounds it has been very difficult to tell the difference between an intuitive emotional Truth and the emotional truth that comes from our childhood wounds.  When one of our buttons is pushed and we react out of the insecure, scared little kid inside of us (or the angry/rage filled kid, or the powerless/helpless kid, etc.) then we are reacting to what our emotional truth was when we were 5 or 9 or 14 – not to what is happening now.  Since we have been doing that all of our lives, we learned not to trust our emotional reactions (and got the message not to trust them in a variety of ways when we were kids.)

 4. We are attracted to people that feel familiar on an energetic level – which means (until we start clearing our emotional process) people that emotionally / vibrationally feel like our parents did when we were very little kids.  At a certain point in my process I realized that if I met a woman who felt like my soul mate, that the chances were pretty huge that she was one more unavailable woman that fit my pattern of being attracted to someone who would reinforce the message that I wasn’t good enough, that I was unlovable.  Until we start releasing the hurt, sadness, rage, shame, terror – the emotional grief energy – from our childhoods we will keep having dysfunctional relationships.

I became willing to do the emotional healing in the summer of 1987 when I set myself up to be abandoned on my birthday one more time.  I called a counselor that I had been told was good with the emotional work.  It turned our that he was in the middle of moving to Hawaii and wasn’t doing counseling anymore.  But he said I could come over and talk to him as he packed.I don’t remember anything that he said to me that day – what I do remember is that as I sat in his house watching him pack I had a feeling, and a visual image, that I had just opened Pandora’s Box – the monsters were loose now and I would never be able shut that box again.

Doing the grief work is absolutely terrifying.  The word I came up with to describe how I felt was terrif***ingfying.  It felt like if I ever really owned the pain, I would end up crying in a rubber room for the rest of my life.  That if I ever really owned the rage, I would just go up and down the street shooting people.  That is not what happened.  The Spirit guided me through the process and gave me the resources I needed to release great quantities of that pent up, pressurized emotional energy.  To release enough to start learning who I really am, to start seeing my path more clearly, and to start forgiving myself and learning about love. 

I still need to do the grieving/energy release work from time to time.  There is still a hole in my soul – a seemingly bottomless abyss of wish-to-die-pain, shame, and unbearable suffering.   But it is a much smaller hole and I don’t have to visit it very often. 

The wounds don’t go away.  They have less power to dictate my life as I heal.  I needed to own that wounded part of me in order to start getting to know, and have compassion for, me.  I also needed to learn to have a balance because we can’t live in those feelings.  We need to own them and honor them in order to own and honor ourselves – but then we need to learn to have internal boundaries that will allow us to find some balance in our life, allow us to to trust the process and our Higher Power. 

We are on a Spiritual journey – and the Force is with us.  It will help and guide us as we face the terror of owning how painful our human experience has been.  The more we are able to feel and release the feelings / emotional energy, the more clearly we can tune into the emotional energy that is Truth – and Love, Light, Joy, Beauty – coming from The Source Energy.

Robert Burney’s Video

Teal Swan and Ross Rosenberg 

Codependency, Narcissism and Healing Trauma

Here is Melanie Tonia Evans Article this was written in 2013 of which is just one of many articles that she has done since that time with regard to the emotional body:

The Most Effective Way To Heal Your Emotional Wounds

We all know that the pain of narcissistic abuse seems unfathomable.

It is so severe that it may feel almost impossible to function in everyday life.

It can be a major accomplishment to effectively eat and sleep, let alone have the emotional stability to start your life all over again.

My greatest mission regarding the work I do is to help people release this incredible emotional agony, so that they can rebuild and align with the creation of a life that not only works, but leaves the horror of narcissistic abuse way, way behind.

This article is all about the most direct and powerful path to do this – and the reasons why a specific and direct path works, where others don’t.

When you understand how to use this direct path you will know how to get relief, create powerful change in your life and heal in the fastest way possible.

The Limitations of the Logical Mind

This important message will explain to you WHY it is so hard to heal from trauma when trying to do so through your logical mind.

I tried this initially – and lots of other people tried, and the truth is it is the long, hard way around – and often it just doesn’t work.

Firstly it is incomprehensible that recovery from a narcissistic abuse experience can be categorised and reconciled by the use of cognitive processes. What happened did not make normal human logical sense, and does not fit any model that would grant any fathomable closure or peace.

You may be able to understand how and why a narcissist operates, and realise there are many people who have suffered what you have, and that their narcissist operated identically to the one you experienced – yet how can you escape the mind-bending obsessions, injustices, betrayals, malicious behaviour and pathological lies that are just not a part of the accepted human experience?

The truth is emotionally you cannot get peace on this simply via information and it is likely that the feelings of obsession, torment, injustices, and disbelief (and the addiction to trying to get justice, accountability and remorse or even ‘love’) will continue for an indefinite period of time.

Yes you may ‘survive’ from narcissistic abuse, simply because you have been able to get away, stay away and know you will never return to the narcissist, but is this truly living?

I want to take you deeper so that you can really understand why your logical mind is so limited in getting true healing and resolution…

To understand the reasons why this is the case you need to know how the subconscious and conscious minds work.

Emotional Programming

Our life is created from emotional programming.

What I mean by this is our thoughts, actions, what and who we attract in our life and the life events that we experience are all a match for us vibrationally.

When I refer to the word ‘vibrational’ what I mean is whatever belief systems we have about anything, and our associated emotions on any topic are exactly what we create in our life.

These inner beliefs and feelings (our vibration) are not taking place in our logical mind. They are all embedded and existing in our subconscious mind, they are in our being. To make this easier to understand, imagine as if this beingness was in the cells of your body.

You need to understand how your subconscious communicates with you. It communicates through sensation – which means through feelings. When you are ‘on track’ with being the wellbeing, love, abundance and truth of your True Self (real potential) you feel great. You have emotions that are granting you the feedback that you are aligned, that you are on track. The gap between your vibration (who you are presently being right now) and Who You Really Are (your True Potential) is very small, or non-existent.

When you feel immense pain your subconscious is letting you know through these agonised feelings that you are living the experience of inner programs which are NOT aligned with wellbeing, love and the truth of Who You Are.

The greater the gap the more it emotionally hurts.

The illusion is: It is all happening ‘out there’. We believe that this person, situation, event has created our pain – and but what we may not have realised (or accepted) is that there has been existing painful beliefs and emotional programming within our subconscious that has co-created these experiences of ‘what we don’t want’.

Of course we were not doing this consciously – this all happened unconsciously.

When these painful situations in our life show up, that are a match for our already existing painful programs. They bring these painful subconscious programs up to the surface for us.

Our agonising experiences show us point blank our deepest fears, our most painful inner beliefs that fundamentally relate to the powerless feelings of being unacceptable, ‘not good enough’, unworthy of love and incapable of being a Source to ourself.

The reason these horrendously painful emotions occurred was to get our attention. Every painful emotion is a powerful signal. It is saying (or screaming) there is something within that desperately requires attention.

Ultimately this is so we can heal these subconscious wounds in order to claim Who We Really Are.

How Did Our Subconscious Wounds Initially Form?

When we were children we learnt very quickly. Before the age of 8 and 9 we were information sponges.

We all know that children pick up new skills quickly, have amazing dexterity with technology and can even learn different languages effortlessly at a very young age.

The reason is because children don’t have a developed analytic / logical mind blocking any new information going directly into their subconscious mind.

It is the subconscious mind which is the storage space of all skills, knowledge, and ‘ways of behaving’.

As children we certainly had the advantage of gaining information and learning very easily – but we also took on the ‘bad’ messages automatically as well.

Maybe your Dad left when you were very young. Maybe one or both of your parents didn’t know how to connect to you and grant you love, support and approval because they were busy providing the survival necessities of life.

Maybe there was a horrific argument between your Mum and your Dad one day and you thought it was your fault.

Maybe conditions were harsher, and boundaries were not honoured, or respected and you learnt ‘love means I can abuse you’.

As a child you did not have the benefit of logic to displace your feelings about topics. You did not have the benefit of logically observing what was happening in order to conclude “Well Mum didn’t spend much time connecting to me because she had five kids to provide for. Therefore her lack of attention didn’t hurt me and doesn’t make me feel unworthy of love. I know it wasn’t personal.”

As a child you simply internalised emotional pain, and emotionally decided you must be unlovable, or not good enough, or not ‘valuable’ enough to be loved happily, safely and respectfully.

As children we learnt who we are, how much we were or were not worth love, value and care, and we absorbed these messages directly as our emotional truth. The subconscious did not define these messages as ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ (it has no preference). It simply agreed with our emotional ‘decision’ at the time.

Little did you know that these ‘decisions’ at such an early age were going to program your subconscious to play out these beliefs determinedly in your life from the point of those emotional  ‘decisions’ onward.

Little did you know that these internalised messages if they were painful enough could set you up for narcissistic abuse in your future.

Trying to change these emotional programs later in life logically is going to have little to no effect – simply because they were NEVER logically created in the first instance.

How Adults Learn New Ways to ‘Be’

Now let’s examine our learning abilities as adults today…

As adults we have a developed analytic / logical mind which blocks the pathway to our subconscious. We think too much. We do not have the automatic direct path to the subconscious learning capacity that children do.

We find it much more difficult to learn new ways of being.

One way adults can learn is through repetition, doing something over and over again until it becomes the new internal program. This takes intense dedication and willpower.

The second way is when we have a ‘trauma’ or ‘highly ecstatic’ episode. When an event is powerfully emotionally charged, everything else fades into the background, the logical mind shuts down, and the new message bypasses the logical / critical mind and goes straight into the subconscious.

You may have had such an experience. In a time of trauma it is like everything else in the background disappears, time stands still, and the only thing that exists is the traumatic event. This is a direct example of your logical mind moving aside and whatever is occurring is impacting directly at a subconscious level.

When we understand how we really learn – we can understand important things. As children we learnt who we are, how much we were or were not worth love, value and care, and we absorbed these messages directly as our truth.

As adults when we receive experiences which are highly traumatic and painful, our subconscious also directly accepts these messages as ‘truth’. These messages add significantly to the already painful ones which already existed from our childhood.

In fact we have unconsciously been attracting an re-creating the same messages that our subconscious already believed from childhood.

There is something else about the subconscious which explains a lot. Our subconscious mind is a primitive survival mechanism. As a survival instinctual mechanism it is highly resistance to change, and holds firm the existing inner programs which already are.

The subconscious believes it is protecting you by hanging on to the painful and fearful messages of the past. In previous times of survival our ancient DNA needed this mechanism.

The problem is now in modern times, this does not serve us. It simply continues to attract exactly what we fear and keeps us separated from our true power and potential.

This is why we desperately need to re-program these painful internal programs that keep us stuck in living out the events and relationships that we don’t want in our life. It is the only authentic way to really break free.

Why the Mind Struggles To Create Real Change

As a result of your narcissistic abuse experience you will know no matter what you think you should or should not be doing – it is excruciatingly difficult to stop giving in to the old internal programs which are running your life.

The reason this occurs is because your subconscious mind is rejecting the new ideas of your logical mind and sabotages your chances of creating positive change. It wants to stubbornly and determinedly hold on to the old survival programs.

This is why every day I receive emails such as:

“I am a smart, intelligent woman. I know he is no good for me. He even repulses me, but why can’t I stop calling him. Why can’t I get him OUT of my mind?! Why CAN’T I let go and move on?!”

The reason is because the unconscious mind is still running painful inner programs which are a direct match for the abuse the narcissist is dishing out – and the logical mind is no match for these fully energised and stimulated programs.

This is why logically you know what you should do – leave, stay away, disconnect and accept that the narcissist is NO GOOD for you but you can’t seem to stop the obsessive pulls, addiction and staying attached – no matter HOW MUCH you know it is destroying you.

I really hope this makes sense – and you clearly understand why…

How To Make Powerful Changes In Your Way of Being

As per my material you will observe how I am always going on about inner work, inner work, inner work, inner work!

The reasons is because I know personally, as well as with dealing with thousands of people how essential this is – if you want real relief, if you want powerful change, and if you really want to heal.

And if you want to achieve this the fastest, most efficient and DIRECT way possible

Trying to heal by working through your logical mind is the hard, painful and gruelling way to do it. It takes a long amount of time (maybe an entire lifetime of cognitive therapy) and enormous willpower.

Willpower is incredibly hard to engineer when in the all-consuming emotional grip of narcissistic abuse – which heroin addicts have stated to me time and time again is a much worse addiction than heroin.

The real healing work is the employing of tools and processes which bypass your logical mind and communicate directly with the subconscious mind.

It took me 2 years of trying to learn how to recover from narcissistic abuse through my logical mind before I realised it was never going to work. This realisation set me on a path to discover a way to make changes within my being at a subconscious level.

This is exactly why I created Quanta Freedom Healing and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, because It creates a direct path to the painful inner programs that require healing and teaches you how to locate them, shift them and transform them into inner belief systems and programs that will serve you.

When you do the work at this level the emotional pain drops away, and your mind is not tormented.

Your tormented thinking was your mind ‘trying’ to find some answer, relief or resolution from the emotional agony. When the emotional agony stops so does the tormented thinking.

When you try to deal with emotions logically your mind will only ever make more of a mess of them – ALWAYS!

You know exactly what I am talking about with this statement. You know you go back to the horrible event, replay it sequentially in your mind (these are the processes the logical mind employs) and then try to ‘work out’ some logical answer that is going to alleviate the emotional pain. Not only does the ‘answer’ to gain peace elude you, but you have just replayed and re-energised the agony again with no resolution forthcoming.

This would be like being ‘shot’ once, and then replaying the scene a thousand times more in your mind. You have just shot yourself another thousand times!

I promise you your vibrational / emotional body knows no difference between the emotional agony of the physical event, or the emotional agony of replaying it in your mind. The emotional agony and emotional damage to your being either way is identical!

Your logical mind was never intended to heal emotions (emotional inner programming) – EVER!

Truly after discovering inner healing processes I shake my head at my own life and how I spent decades battling in my mind for no results other than repeat pain, and how we have all been conditioned to believe that our limited minds COULD be the solution – when it simply isn’t!

I’m going to prove this to your very simply…

Say these following statements – “I think angry”, or “I think devastated”…or “I think violated”…

It makes NO sense…

It makes as little sense as trying to heal these feelings with logical thinking.

Your emotions are not logical.

Neither is your emotional programming that is controlling your life.

True healing simply does not happen at a logical level.

True healing occurs by going within, by going to your emotional belief systems and using an energetic (vibrational) process to address them, and that is exactly the power and ability you innately have (as your birth right) to heal yourself deep from within.

You are a magnificent self-healer – you DO have that power. Everyone does.

You have always just needed to simply understand how to DO this.

I hope this article has helped you understand why you are battling in your mind, and has allowed you to understand there is a much better and truer way to heal.


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Narcissistic Siblings Cause Psychological and Financial Family Ruptures

You have known this brother or sister all of your life–at least you thought you did. This individual as far back as you can remember was demanding, self absorbed, highly competitive and didn’t care about how you felt. Yet, mom and/or dad thought this budding narcissist was just fine–even superior. (This post refers to male and female narcissistic siblings.)

You remember as you think back how intimidated you were by this sibling despite his birth order. In some families the oldest son is the Prince and King in waiting. In others it is the younger daughter who is so “adorable” and talented–always taking center stage and demanding constant attention (which she gets.) These siblings were budding narcissists and now are full fledged.

You have known the truth about them most of your life but were unable to put a name or description to the feelings of discomfort, emotional pain, betrayal, confusion, shame or inadequacy you experienced when compared with them. “Why can’t you be more organized and disciplined like James?” “Why are you always daydreaming and not getting to your chores or homework like your brother?” “Your beautiful sister is so outgoing and has tons of friends–Everyone likes her. Why can’t you be more sociable and friendly?” These comments from parents echo in your memory down the years. You have been compared to certain siblings all of your life.

No one accepted you for your true nature and priceless individuality, your creativity and spontaneity, your kindnesses and appreciation of beauty. These attributes were not prized in your family. No, it was the narcissistic traits that were rewarded–like all A’s in every class, becoming the top athlete in several sports, having the smoothest of social skills, etc., being an extrovert with driving confidence and total self entitlement.

Throughout your lives narcissistic siblings cause psychological pain and often financial ruptures within a family. They take sides to get What They Want!! You are not part of their goal equation. They want much more than their fair share of the family assets both while the parents are living and afterwards. There are constant power plays that are instigated by the narcissistic sibling. If the family has financial assets the narcissistic sibling places himself in a position to control them and eventually seize them. Sometimes they choose a sibling who will align with them in these power plays. They use the weaker brother or sister as an ally. Actually the narcissist is exploiting everyone, including this hand picked “ally.”

The classic situation is the narcissist’s plan to become indispensable to the parent who controls the financial assets. This sibling over time forms a special relationship of confidence with mother or father and makes sure that he will get the biggest piece of the family money and financial pie ultimately. Some of these cases go legal and become very ugly. Sometimes it becomes necessary follow the legal route with narcissistic siblings who demand everything and where there is a clear case that you are entitled to your fair share.

Family ruptures can occur as a result of the greed and venality of narcissistic siblings. This is a very painful complex situation. First, recognize who you are as an individual and know that despite everything you know the truth about your family and its narcissistic members.

Learn to value yourself and your talents and gifts and wonderful personal qualities. Take very good care of yourself and form alliances with friends that you trust and who are psychologically family to you. Protect yourself from the primitive projections of narcissistic brothers and sisters. Don’t let them control your emotions. Remember they are ejecting their unconscious feelings of self loathing on to you. This is a sign of their psychopathology not your inadequacy, deficits, etc. You may need to cut off contact with them since narcissists do not have psychological boundaries and lack empathy.

Take time each day to appreciate who you are. Spend moments quieting your body and mind through some form of meditation. This can be very short–a couple of minutes or less. Try to be consistent. Be unjudgmental as you go on this journey. I have found some very good guided meditations on You Tube. One is by the Honest Guys called Guided Meditation-Blissful Relaxation. It is 18 minutes long. Listen as long or short as you wish. The Honest Guys are British and their meditations have good production values and I find their accents to be calming and relaxing. Find what appeals to you and works for you.

Trust your intuition and the insights that come through to you during the day and the night. You will find others who share the truth with you. Sometimes we feel so alone and that no one understands us. There are a few individuals –and I think a growing group who are seeking the truth that is inside of them and from whom you will find resonance and validation.…/

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment And What You Can Do To Stop It Cold By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC & C.R. Zwolinski
~ 4 min read
590329_58780489One of the more frustrating passive-aggressive tactics to those on the receiving end is “the silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is an abusive method of control, punishment, avoidance, or disempowerment (sometimes these four types overlap, sometimes not) that is a favorite tactic of narcissists, and especially those who have a hard time with impulse control, that is, those with more infantile tendencies.

The silent treatment can be used as an abusive tactic that is the adult narcissist’s version of a child’s “holding my breath until you give in and give me what I want.”

It is one of the most frustrating tactics and can provoke even the most patient person. Depending on the method used, it can make the person on the receiving end feel powerless, invisible, intimidated, insignificant, “dissed”, looked down on, disapproved of, guilty, frustrated, and even angry.

Let’s start with some four common examples of silent treatment (there are more):

1.When the abuser (and make no mistake–the silent treatment is a form of abuse) gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you for a period of time because you refuse to acquiesce to his or her demands. This is manipulating you with silence.

An example might be your mom wants you to come for the holidays and you can’t this year, so she either refuses to take your phone calls or she speaks to you in curt, clipped sentences.

2. When the abuser gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them and will not accept any reasonably sincere apology. This is punishing you with silence.

An example might be if you were late to meet a friend at the theater and you missed the event because of your tardiness. Even if you have a legitimate reason, you are generally on time, and you apologize profusely your silent-treatment might include the cold-shoulder from your friend or answering you in curt, clipped sentences while refusing or barely acknowledging your apology.

3.When the abuser gives you the cold-shoulder and refuses to speak to you because you’ve said/done something that bothers them and will not even tell you what it is that you’ve said or done, leaving you powerless to make an apology. This is punishing and disempowering you with silence.

Your spouse refuses to speak to you or stomps around answering you in curt, clipped one-word answers. When you ask what’s bothering them, they say: If you cared about me/loved me, you’d know what’s bothering me. If you cared you’d apologize for what you did. Or they say nothing at all.

4. When the abuser completely ignores what you’ve said, changing the subject or just staying silent to a question or statement that generally requires a response. This is disempowering you and “one-upping” you with silence.

It’s a favorite tactic of particularly infantile narcissists. For example, your boss requests volunteers for a project that requires skills you have, perhaps even unique skills. You raise your hand and he ignores you. Or you say, “I’d like to do that,” and he pretends he hasn’t heard you and remains completely silent, as if you do not exist or as if what you said was never said.

In general, for people you aren’t close with and may not see often, telling someone that how their silent treatment hurts or angers you is not be a great idea. That’s because someone who uses this tactic feeds on the negative emotions of his victim. Not letting the perpetrator witness your negative feelings and showing him that you aren’t bothered by his behavior may be the only thing you need to get him to stop.

Another response that might get the person to stop is to tell him that his behavior appears immature, controlling, desperate, manipulative, ridiculous, etc. It’s best to do this if you truly do not feel affected by his behavior and can even laugh it off.

Obviously, if you are in a close or unavoidably close relationship with this person such as a spouse, your response should take this into consideration. Since the silent treatment is often (though not always) a sign of an immature or otherwise dysfunctional emotional life, therapy can really be a help, especially goal-oriented, behavior-oriented therapy that also works on managing the thoughts and emotions. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy might be helpful.A couples therapist who is skilled in these methods might be a good choice.

Getting your spouse to go to therapy with you may not always be possible, but if the relationships is important to them and you feel that their behavior is irreparably damaging it, you might be in a position to strongly encourage even demand it of them. If not, go to therapy on your own so you can learn how to handle their behavior in a way that is healthy for you.

If it is a parent and you are an adult who doesn’t live with them, you can learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are on the receiving end of a snippy, clipped semi-silent treatment, you can say something like: Dad/Mom, I love you so much and I want our relationship to be enjoyable and supportive. When you give me the silent-treatment, that damages my positive feelings. Therefore, I am going to end this conversation now but look forward to speaking to you when you can speak to me openly without giving me the silent treatment.

What do you do if it is someone you are “stuck” with but don’t have an intimate relationship with, such as a boss or colleague? This can be tricky but rule number one is: Don’t go swimming in shark infested waters while you have a cut on your finger. One sniff of blood in the form of any weak or emotional response to the silent treatment and the narcissist will go for the kill.

Instead, appear (and truly feel, if possible) relaxed and positive. Laughing at them will only incite or enrage them, but if they use the silent-treatment regularly or other controlling, disempowering tactics, a sigh, smile and shake of the head (with maybe a strategic eye roll) can diffuse the situation. If done in a friendly, gentle manner, these gestures sends the message that you aren’t taking them so seriously and it gives them permission to back down and not take themselves so seriously.

If your colleague or boss has no sense of humor, or is truly a narcissist, this will backfire, so be careful! The main thing is to develop a strong sense of self and not let it get to you. Remember, you can only change your behavior, not anyone else’s.…/the-silent-treatment-and-w…/